Ever seen this movie?
It’s called The Monster Squad and it’s about a group of kids who band together to fight off the classic movie monsters (Dracula, Frankenstein’s Monster, Wolfman, etc.) who have suddenly invaded their small town. It’s also one my favorite childhood movies. It got me thinking… in the event of an ultimate evil apocalypse… who do we call on to protect us? And because I have nothing better to do with my time, here are the results.
Each iconic movie character was selected based on their level of success at ridding the world of their particular brand of evil. So here’s the All-Star Team:
SOLUTION: Ellen Ripley
MONSTER-KILLING ABILITIES ON DISPLAY IN: Alien (1979), Aliens (1986), Alien3 (1992), Alien: Resurrection (1997)
WEAPONS: Plasma Rifles, Exo-Suits
One of our Top 100 Bad Asses, there is nothing Ripley hasn’t faced when it comes to alien threats. And while she really only deals with one kind of alien, those fucking things can make the invaders in Independence Day look like fucking E.T. Any alien threat that would threaten the Earth, Ripley could take out in a heart beat.
MONSTER-KILLING ABILITIES ON DISPLAY IN: Buffy The Vampire Slayer TV Series (1997-2003)
WEAPONS: Stakes, Crossbows, Axes, Swords, Super Hotness
A cheat, admittedly, because technically she’s not from a movie (unless you count that AWFUL one from the early 90s), but when it comes to vampire-killin’ there ain’t none better. Buffy’s ridiculous name and girly-girl outer appearance off-sets the fact that she can kill any vampire any where with her eyes closed. She even beat DRACULA. And it’s not just vamps… she goes after demons as well. Also… she’s not hard on the eyes.
MONSTER-KILLING ABILITIES ON DISPLAY IN: Zombieland (2009)
WEAPONS: Shotguns, Baseball Bats, Whatever he can get his hands on
Another of the Top 100 Bad Asses, Tallahassee is on a mission to rid the world of every zombie he sees in revenge for them SPOILER ALERT killing his little boy. Also, he really likes Twinkies and the God-Damned zombies keep getting in the way of him finding the last Twinkie on Earth. Tallahassee is used to an apocalyptic environment, so even when things look way beyond the point of bleak, this bad ass won’t lose hope and get all whiny on you.
SOLUTION: Dr. Peter Venkman
MONSTER-KILLING ABILITIES ON DISPLAY IN: Ghostbusters (1984), Ghostbusters II (1989)
WEAPONS: Proton Pack, Bill Murray charm, sarcasm
Can’t include all four Ghostbusters on the list. And yeah, Igon and Ray may be smarter… but they don’t have balls Venkman does. Seriously, who would you rather have on your side? He may not necessarily be fearless, but he’ll look a ghost in the eye (or a 50 foot marshmallow man) and throw a few insults at them. Having a nuclear reactor strapped to your back doesn’t hurt either, though.
MONSTER-KILLING ABILITIES ON DISPLAY IN: Evil Dead II (1987) , Army of Darkness (1992)
WEAPONS: Chainsaw Hand, Bionic Hand, Boomstick, Awesome One-Liners
Made the Top 10 of the Top 100 Bad Asses, and it’s hard to argue why. Ash is undoubtedly one of the coolest characters to ever grace the screen. In the span of only two movies he fights off humans possessed by an evil cabin, an evil version of himself and an undead ARMY. Plus the dude can take a beating, which makes him the best choice to lead this motley crew of monster hunters. If you have unholy monsters like Jason Vorhees, Pumpkinhead or Freddy Kruger coming at you… you need someone who can take a beating and give it back in spades. Hail to the king baby.
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