OKAY…a small change of plans. Since Big D and others are very interested in hearing my thoughts on Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace 3D (which I saw yesterday), I figured I would switch The Phantom Menace with Chronicle in my review order. So for those of you waiting for my Chronicle review, look for it at the same time tomorrow.
As far as this current review goes – well, I’m going to do things A LITTLE BIT differently. First off, I’m NOT going to get into a full review of The Phantom Menace itself – I will only be looking at how good the 3D is (since that is the main selling point of the re-releases). Secondly, because this isn’t a normal movie review, I decided to draw inspiration from an article I read earlier today on Moviefone.com. In a nutshell, I will be recounting my experience viewing Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace 3D through a time log that I kept during the film – similar to what I did in the early days of The Wide World of Sports-Entertainment when RAW and Impact were going head-to-head.
And with that, let’s get this show on the road…
SportsGuy515’s Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace 3D Time Log
4:40PM: Bought my ticket for The Phantom Menace 3D. Quick story – while I was waiting on the box office line, an elderly couple got on line behind me. As they looked at the list of movies deciding what to watch, they saw “Star Wars” and the guy said, “Look, honey, “Star Wars” is in 3D now. The lady (who I assume is his wife) replied, “Well, we’ve seen it already, and once is plenty. Plus, they don’t make 3D the way they used to.” Her husband agreed, saying that “The 3D nowadays simply makes the characters look like they’re sticking out of the screen, but nothing else happens. They don’t come at you. Remember how they did 3D back in the day? With everything coming at you?” I personally enjoyed eavesdropping on that conversation, and little did I know, that conversation would be a foreshadowing of my experience on this day…
4:45PM: In my seat. Right now, there are between 28-35 other people in the theater; mostly kids
4:51PM: A man and a woman with a young son (who can’t be more than 5 years old) sit in my row. The father begins telling the son how he used to watch “Star Wars” when he was his age. I’m thinking to myself, “Yeah, but not THIS ONE…”
5:00PM: By the time the trailers start running, the audience grew to about 50.
Hmm…I’m actually kinda getting excited about this…
5:04PM: Three Stooges trailer? AWESO-wait, SNOOKI!?!? Trailer officially ruined.
5:10PM: Hey, it’s Qui-Gon Jinn! What movie is he in now…OH NO, not ANOTHER Clash of the Titans…FAIL.
5:15PM: Trailer for The Amazing Spider-Man. I still say it’s too early for a Spider-Man reboot. And this trailer STILL hasn’t convinced me (despite how cute Emma Stone looks as a blonde).
5:19PM: SHOWTIME. By this time, the audience had grown to about 70…pretty impressive.
5:20PM: An Ice Age short begins. Unexpected, but welcome. Sadly, it’s one of those “blink and you’ll miss it” shorts – lasting less than 2 minutes.
5:22PM: *cue 20th Century FOX fanfare* The LUCASFILM logo is in 3D…so far, off to a good start.
I don’t care which of the six films I’m watching – when the Star Wars logo blasts onto the screen accompanied by John Williams’ score, I get goosebumps…today was no different…
5:25PM: I’m actually muttering the lines along with the film – I didn’t realize I knew it that well…
5:33PM: A COLLECTIVE SIGH consumes the crowd when Jar Jar makes his first appearance. And no one is laughing at his jokes…not even the kids.
5:35PM: Weesa goin underwater, okey-day?
God I forgot how annoying this asshole is…
5:51PM: Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t this film supposed to be in, oh I don’t know, 3D!!!
6:00PM: The scene in Watto’s shop.
Hey, at least the Huttese subtitles are in 3D…that’s a start, right? Right?
6:11PM: This 3D is horrible. It’s BARELY noticeable. I actually had to take off my 3D glasses to make sure I wasn’t in the wrong screening (I did this throughout the rest of the film) – and I discovered that some of the scenes have NO 3D AT ALL. And the ones that do make the picture HD/blu-ray quality, that’s it. If I wanted to watch THAT, I would’ve caught it on SPIKE or bought the blu-ray set, dammit.
6:20PM: Podrace time.
FINALLY, some decent 3D. Actually made the podrace sequence MUCH BETTER this time around.
6:32PM: The scene at the end of the podrace with Bib Fortuna waking up Jabba is eerily similar to some of the people I’m sitting around who fell asleep during the podrace
The podrace has provided the best (and only) 3D of the film so far. This is starting to look like a giant FAIL.
6:43PM: The scene when our heroes arrive in Coruscant. Instead of paying attention to what’s happening, I, for some reason, start thinking about how I had a miniature Coruscant toy back in 1999 when KFC, Taco Bell, and Pizza Hut were doing Episode I promotions, each taking charge of one of the planets in the film. I had all but forced my mother to take the family out to Pizza Hut JUST so I could get at least one of the Star Wars toys. I know Taco Bell was Tatooine, and I THINK Pizza Hut was Naboo, making KFC Coruscant – though I could be getting those last two mixed up…
6:47PM: The scene with Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan before the Jedi Council.
CGI Yoda = FAIL
It’s funny, I actually watched Pulp Fiction for the hell of it yesterday, and now seeing Samuel L. Jackson in this film as Mace Windu…man, I almost couldn’t believe that was the SAME GUY.
6:50PM: And now, the chair recognizes the honorable delegates from Naboo.
7:05PM Without the viceroy, they will be lost and confused.
This movie has been lost and confused since 1999.
7:12PM: Darth Maul appears. DUEL TIME!
For the second time today, 3D is actually being used – and quite well, I must say.
7:22PM: Darth Maul just stabbed Qui-Gon. All of a sudden, I’m wondering, “has anybody every actually BLED in Star Wars?” I assume that getting stabbed should’ve produced quite a bit of blood…but alas, nothing. Does blood even exist in this universe?
Hmm…maybe Luke in Empire after getting his hand cut off…gotta watch that again soon to make sure…
7:24PM: No matter how bad the rest of this film is, the one bright spot is and will always remain the Obi-Wan/Darth Maul duel. Fucking awesome.
7:30PM: FILM OVER. What’s this I hear? APPLAUSE!?!?! Waitaminute! THIS got applause??? They are either simply being polite or being sarcastic. I think it’s a little bit of both…either way, thank God this train-wreck is over.
FINAL SCORE: * ½ (1.5/5 – based solely on the 3D)
And that’ll do it. As always, any questions, comments, or feedback in general, send an email to email@example.com, or simply leave a comment in the comments section below.
Have to thank Mike Ryan from Moviefone.com for the inspiration for this review. He’s become my favorite author on that site, and writes some awesomely hilarious reviews that I definitely recommend.
Look out for my Chronicle review, dropping tomorrow!
FORCED PERSPECTIVE, Episode 10 – OSCAR-MANIA, Part 2 drops Friday!
A brand-new PIXELS & BITS drops later today!
Until tomorrow, I’m out!
Review – Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace 3D (2012)
Cinephile extraordinaire, a budding filmmaker, and host of Forced Perspective. A resident of NY/NJ, he spends most of his time looking for new movies to watch and learning the craft of filmmaking. You’ve probably also seen him hanging around Madison Square Garden and Yankee Stadium at some point. If you see him approach your movie theater, be sure to let him in – he’s the guy in the Yankees cap!